she’s growing up

We survived the wedding weekend. Emily is officially married and cruising up the east coast with Ben, enjoying their honeymoon for the next two weeks. Yay!

We came home on Sunday and crashed for five hours. Slept through the entire afternoon, which also happened to be (shh!) Thumbelina’s birthday. I feel horrible that we barely even celebrated, although Topher can’t quite muster the same amount of parental guilt and keeps shrugging whenever I bring it up, saying, “but she has no concept of what a birthday actually is.” Like that makes it any better! Friday has been officially designated as Birthday Do-Over Day. I’ve been stalking eBay, trying to find a fast-ship Barney cake pan since the original one I bid on and won is “unavailable for shipment.” Grrr. The seller sent me an email saying she “couldn’t find it.” Nice.

I can’t believe my baby is two years old. I feel a little sad about her growing up, but excited about the years ahead. I often think back to my first glimpse of her, just as she was pulled from my incision and held high above my body. The tufts of gleaming ringlets, wet from the amniotic fluid, made me smile and wonder if she might resemble her papa - since his sister has very dark curls. When I eventually saw her face and spoke her name, the peering dark blue eyes turned to me with instant recognition and curiosity. The sense of belonging to one another was immediate and intense. She was so new and yet so familiar.

Topher was immediately mesmerized.

This was our first week home. We bought preemie diapers and they totally engulfed her.

Here we are at about one month old. She was just beginning to sport the old man ‘do - losing her hair on top of the head.

I get sad thinking about how there will never be another Thumbelina. It’s such an obvious statement, but when people talk about baby lust, they usually refer to having a new one. I don’t necessarily feel it for another baby (yet). I feel baby lust for Thumbelina. I wish sometimes that we could go back in time and savor those new moments, some of which were stolen from us with the drama of our birth and recovery experience. I want to go back in time and re-experience all the quirks which make her so unique. I may not have another baby who squishes her lips together in puckered concentration, or insists on being carried like Super-Girl, suspended precariously over my shoulder to maximize her ability to see the world around her. I wonder if my next baby will love nursing as much as Thumbelina and her milk addiction. Even now, as I enjoy her toddlerhood and laugh at her antics, I wonder if my next baby will insist we sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…” (shout “HOORAY!” is her favorite one right now) over and over and over and over again.

I am probably just too sentimental for my own good. Topher is always looking ahead and mentioning things we have to look forward to with Thumbelina - intelligible conversations! Soccer games! Sleeping in her own bed! Trick or treating! Roller-coaster rides! The list goes on and on, and I realize there are many fun times ahead, but I will always miss her baby days.

Here is the very first video we ever took of Thumbelina, when both of us were giddy to discover that our crappy little camera could actually record extremely low resolution video. I can’t stop giggling, Topher keeps talking in a falsetto and Thumbelina just laughs and laughs and laughs. So, enjoy. I hope she is always this happy.

oh, life.

I’ve been absent from the bloggedy-blog-ba-dog (not sure where that came from…) this week, partially because a great deal of time has been occupied in supporting the vast consumerism of wedding preparation. Yay. As I’ve mentioned, we have a couple of friends’ nuptials quickly approaching. I realized the other day that we still needed several things, so a flurry of money-spending took place. We bought Thumbelina’s dresses (thankfully it occurred to me that she needs one for rehearsal dinners AND actual weddings - plus Easter). We were shopping at a particular store and she took me by the hand, led me all the way to the shoe section and hand-picked pink sparkle shoes. She’s worn them so frequently indoors now that she has blisters on every side of each foot and we’ve had to retire the glittery goods for awhile.

Gift registries, dress fittings, shoe shopping, make-up selection, hair preparation - you’d think I’m the actual bride instead of only a bridesmaid. My own wedding band actually resembles an engagement ring, with three stones on a platinum band, which apparently confuses people. A well-meaning saleslady literally grabbed my hand and oohed and ahhed over it, asking when the big day would happen, after I told her I needed to find a dress for a wedding rehearsal dinner. I gently explained that the toddler strapped to my back came along after the vows were spoken, nearly five years ago. “What! You can’t be married already? Seriously, for real?” I wasn’t quite sure how to take that comment… but, I did find a pretty dress.

I’ve spent much of the last week simply thinking. I received some very personal news last week that directly impacts my family and our life together. Despite the uncertainty in learning how to accept and deal with the challenge that has come our way, I’ve felt a great deal of peace in knowing that this week is the holiest week of the entire year. As Easter approaches, I feel God’s presence in our family life and I know that with His help, we will discern our response. But, it’s hard to blog about the everyday when a particular worry is blaring incessantly within one’s brain, so hopefully now that I’m a little more calm about the situation - which isn’t dire, and doesn’t involve health or employment or anything emergent - I can concentrate once again upon the simple blessings of our life and record them here, to remember for years to come.

overload

We went to an engagement party last night. My best friend from high school has been engaged now for almost six months, but since she and her husband-to-be live in Dallas - this was their first opportunity to celebrate with family and hometown friends.

We expected to have a great time. But… unfortunately, it was sensory overload for Thumbelina. Screaming, growling, tears… it was pitiful. And embarrassing. And frustrating. And I felt really dumb for not having worn her in the sling from the very first moment, because by the time I offered it - only a few minutes after arriving, she screamed as if in horror at the mere idea.  So instead of forcing her into it, I let her constantly ask to be up or down, knowing she was uncomfortable but not wanting to cause a further scene. I’m never sure what to do in those moments when I know something is good for her but she protests so mightily. Grr. I hated it. I hated knowing she was so overwhelmed. We took her out on the front porch to get away from the loud buzz of conversation and unfamiliar faces, but that wasn’t a help either. What do you do when the only thing that helps is to avoid those situations in the first place? Is it really better to isolate her? I just don’t know. To be fair, I didn’t expect the party to be so huge. We arrived almost two hours after it had started, and several people were already leaving when we arrived. I did that on purpose, thinking we would catch the tail end - which, we did, but there were still plenty of people creating noise and greeting her and basically scaring the living daylights out of her. It wasn’t until literally all but five people remained that Thumbelina was able to warm up a little bit. And then of course it was time to go. Sigh. Topher and I both have sensory issues, so it isn’t that I can’t empathize, I just simply don’t know what the best thing to do is and I’m tired of seemingly making the wrong choices for her. Last night made me dread what the wedding weekend will be like, considering we’ll be out of town and even more removed from her comfort zone for a very extended period - not just an hour and a half at a party. I hate even the idea of her being miserable. I’m also just plain sad that I feel like nobody else gets to enjoy the spunky, hilarious and sweet little girl that I know.

In the midst of all the above drama with Thumbelina, something completely unrelated and totally awkward happened. I don’t even want to mention specific details because the last thing I want is to be contacted yet again by the media for a comment regarding this situation (as if anyone even knows my blog exists! But they managed to find my unlisted cell phone number and brand new unlisted home address) - a short summary is that my godfather happens to be a public figure across the stateline who recently resigned his position due to an extramarital affair and allegations about his conduct during an election. These revelations caused quite a stir because he’s been viewed as a beacon of morality for the last 20+ years. When he chose to come forward and confront the scandal due to his ex-lover’s damaging accusations (which he maintains are false), everybody and their brother seemed to remember that I happen to be his godchild. Which made for plenty of strange situations, and I chose to not speak about it to anyone. My opinion wouldn’t be popular anyway.

But, last night I got pulled into a conversation about it and I worry about what I said. The last place I thought I’d be asked about the situation was this silly party. But as it happens, the groom’s aunt went to professional school with my dad… and my godfather. So I somehow have this entirely bizarre conversation with her about ‘the situation’ as she calls it and I end up saying things that I don’t really intend to say, yet she’s listening with rapt attention and actually says, “I can’t believe I’m talking to his goddaughter!” WHAT? And meanwhile Thumbelina is screeching because my attention is diverted and Topher is wrangling her but doing so with less patience then she requires. Ahhh. Awkward. Eventually the conversation dwindled because the groom came over and I basically turned around and didn’t look back.

So, yeah. Not fun. But, it was lovely to see my friend. She is so happy to finally be marrying the guy she’s loved for I’m not even sure how long - six years? Their story is interesting because he struggled very much with possibly entering the priesthood and even spent a year in the seminary. Ultimately he came back home and they got back together, but not without a lot of iffy moments. It’s great to see them both so ecstatically happy and ready to begin their lives together.

We finally left. She was still screaming in the car, so we finally pulled over and nursed again, and then Topher went and bought her some cheez-its, which I normally rarely let her eat and they cheered her considerably. We came home, I cried about the stupidity of the entire evening, we ordered pizza and Topher gave me a pep talk. Thumbelina was back to her normal self within just minutes of being home, so… thank goodness for that, at least. I try to take comfort in knowing our home is a safe place, even if the rest of the world only unsettles her.