I’m back. Sort of.

Oh, blog. How I have neglected you.

Hmm, plenty to talk about, but nothing I can actually… talk… about…

So, for now, here are some random thoughts:

I need to buy a cherry pitter. Each day, usually after our walk, Thumbelina and I sit down to a bowl of fresh bing cherries. I pop one in my mouth, keep half, get rid of the seed and Thumbelina slurps down what’s left. By the end of our ritual, we’re both covered in cherry juice. I tend to put both of us in the shower after that, though one time I waited and it appeared as if I’d been experimenting with gory sacrifice… creepy, I know.

Thumbelina’s speech and language is improving. She came into the kitchen today, opened the refrigerator door and said, “I. want. eggs.” !!!!!! Oh, the celebrating. Swirling, twirling, cheering, clapping. The rest of the night was plenty of, “I. want… cake?” Yeah, nice try. She finally got tired, though, and started saying things like, “I. egg. chair. No, no no no!!!! I. want. (pause)… nurse?” Ha, so cute. She was trying to move the chair away from the counter and explain to me her eggs were ready, but being that I’m a notoriously late dinner-maker, the poor thing was practically falling asleep already.

We went and had our allergy tests taken this week, so we’re awaiting the results. Up until the last week or two, our vegan resolve was strong… and then Father’s Day hit, and a bakery cupcake (or two) ruined everything. Since then, it’s been a mess of sugar and dairy beckoning to me daily… but, that stops tomorrow. I was contemplating the idea of waiting to jump back on the health wagon for after July 4th, but knowing the free-for-all that might occur between now and then, I’ll not do that to myself.

My hair is getting long. I’m fighting this weird urge to get a body wave for my hair. Isn’t that the most bizarre desire, ever? Topher mentioned that Miss Anti-Chemical suddenly wanting to purposely put poison on top of her head seemed a little… out of character? Maybe so. But I don’t really want to cut my hair, at least not more than a trim - and having it be long, straight and heavy during the summer is so depressing. I end up just wearing it back from my face, just to keep it out of my eyes, and I look tired and frazzled. Plus I have some natural wave to it, which becomes over-abundant during the humid months, but just enough to look unkempt instead of prettily tousled. “Doing” my hair takes far too much time, since attempting to smooth it and then curling the ends after blow-drying just becomes tedious after awhile. Soooo, I’m thinking of getting it waved and seeing if that adds some easy options and variety. We’ll see. I need a few more ounces of bravery, first.

Since I’ve joined Costco, I’ve started reading… romance novels. Of the Nora Roberts variety. Why? Because they’re cheap! And who can resist a good love story with murder, intrigue and pahhhhhhhhhssion. Topher and I will be in the middle of a conversation and he’ll suddenly quote a novel and pretend he’s not. “You take me higher than I’ve ever been before. I… I… THIRST for you.” He also steals them and begins reading them out loud, which for some reason embarrasses me, because I feel like I should be reading something… literary. Worthwhile. So I end up chasing him around the house, attempting to get my book back, and Thumbelina believes this to be the best game ever. So when Topher is at work, she’ll steal my book, snack, hairclip or any number of things and run shrieking through the house, stopping every few moments to see if I’m hot in pursuit.

She has a tickling addiction. She calls tickling, “Kay-kays.” Every once in awhile, she’ll wake up from a deep sleep, take my hand and ask for more kay-kays. Her favorite part isn’t the actual tickling, but the anticipation. All I have to do is make my fingers start walking, and she’s in hysterics immediately, stumbling away from me, screaming, “Nooooo!” and giggling that lovely toddler laugh.

Etsy

So, I think we can all agree that the crafting gene missed me by a mile. My attempts at crafting are well-documented and many an anonymous commenter has been deleted when musing about my efforts! (Though they did make me laugh with some of THEIR creativity.) Anyway - one rainy day, sitting in my work room, surrounded by all the materials of craft projects gone by - I realized that with all the forlorn fabric swatches and embroidery thread and craft glue and scrapbooking materials galore, I might be able to come up with a few wooden miniature dolls for Thumbelina. I painted her cousin a small dollhouse around Christmas time, and Thumbelina was so possessive of it that I ultimately made one for her, too. But, she needed a few dolls to play with inside of it. So, I set to work and came up with something like this…

I’ve made several variations of these little wooden girls, but this particular type is Thumbelina’s most favorite and what I’ve decided to try selling (!) at Etsy. (I know, I laughed at myself too when I even considered such a bizarre notion - me, selling handmade items! Ha!) But.. this idea came about when brainstorming about my $1000 challenge.

What is my $1000 challenge? Basically I found myself lusting after a particularly fantastic lens for my Nikon camera and the only way I could even CONSIDER buying such an expensive present for myself would be to earn the money. And no, it doesn’t actually cost a thousand dollars, but it’s such a nice, round number that I’m going with it. But once I started thinking about spending money on something so frivolous, other (more practical) things came to mind. Because yes, there are far more necessary things to consider spending money on. Like, this house. And the green living room that haunts me. Or Thumbelina’s speech therapy. Or a trip for our fifth year anniversary…. oh wait, that isn’t practical. But alas, the tornado has set us back quite a bit (but not in any suffering sort of way) and I’ve found myself wondering what small ways I can contribute to our household income. Can I earn a thousand dollars - and if I can, what is stopping me from earning more? We are so blessed with Topher’s job, and yet I think if there is a way I can help our family by doing something I love to do - and do anyway, regardless - then, yay! And if no one buys my little dolls… well, I’ll survive. Plus, Thumbelina will have a new army of her beloved girls.

Now, I have this issue with perfectionism that I hide really well most of the time, but when it comes to creating… I struggle. Because I want it to be perfect. Everything from the dolls, the photos, the Etsy site, etc. But perfection eludes me and always will, so these last few days of plotting and planning and executing this little project have been a good lesson in humility. The picture icons, for instance, drove me craaazy… I didn’t know they crop photos from standard size to square. But, I rolled with it and didn’t rush out and take more pictures… I just told myself that next time, if there is a next time, I’ll take that into consideration when I shoot other items. When I took the photos, I tried timing it at just before sunset - which was great - for, um, the first shot. And then the rest get darker, which irritated me, but… again, I rolled with it. I’m doing this because I LIKE it and not because I want to torture myself with an abstract idea of perfection, right? Um, sure. And as for the dolls… well, I adored making them, and no, they aren’t perfect, but they are handmade with much love.

So, I’m unveiling my Etsy site! With the caveat that it is most definitely still under construction, and only five items are listed… with many more to come. Enjoy looking! Here is a peek:

The banner, which I’ll probably change, because I realize it’s a little hard to read - but, I was so excited (after multiple trial and error attempts) when I learned how to actually MAKE a banner that I was merely content to finally have something to display! (It’s definitely easier to look at full-size, but this will do.)

More wooden girls…

(Yes, this next one was the “just before sunset” shot.)

I should say that I have other ideas besides just listing my little dolls, but… baby steps!

And now, I am off to bed.

zonked

It is after 2am and I’m awake, wide awake actually, and sitting here blogging while Thumbelina wails the night away. We haven’t slept well in days. She has somehow contracted the upper respiratory… something or another… from hell, which she unfortunately has shared with me and it is now settling into my chest for a bitter week or two worth of coughing. Topher is also awake, poor guy, and attempting to cuddle her to sleep since I’ve worn out my welcome. The last few evenings have been spent in the hot shower, taking advantage of the steam and letting it inspire her nose to get rid of the gunk. She is so miserable and I wish I could make her feel better.

Why are we sick? I can’t figure that one out, since we’re eating so healthfully. Is it part of detox? We’ve been without animal products and caffeine for awhile now. We hardly eat any sugar, and it’s never the processed sweets from grocery stores - just occasionally in recipes or if I run out of agave nectar. I do know that I dragged her into every thrift store in a 20 mile radius last week, culling various treasures while she played with dirty plastic toys in the kid section. (Ew.) No matter how decrepit the used toy, she loves it. I wonder if she got some germy goodness from one of those adventures.

Despite the sick yukkies, today wasn’t all bad. We found out that Thumbelina is next on the list for speech services! Topher and I are THRILLED that she can take advantage of this opportunity - TWICE a week. We’re going to have to juggle some of our other activities to schedule everything, but her speech development is a big priority and I can’t wait for the intelligibility to be addressed. Not just for Topher and I to be able to understand her, but for Thumbelina to know with certainty that she’s being understood. I was thinking the other day about how frustrated I would be if I had to endure YEARS of people not understanding my earnest efforts to communicate! I’m so excited for my Thumbelina - we’ve been praying for this blessing to happen, as all the private services we researched were much too expensive. (We were quoted $300 a week by one therapist.)

I have more random things to share, but that will have to wait until later, since I hear…. nothing, and that means Thumbelina has finally fallen asleep. Hopefully my cough will let me do the same. I neeeeeeeed some sleeeeeeeeep.

oh my little one…

Thumbelina is in the habit of dressing herself as of late, and favoring the layered look - despite the heat. Notice this ensemble which brings to mind a certain dessert of the rainbow sherbet variety…

She’s a very modest young lady and therefore wearing a pair of coordinating orange shorts beneath the dress. The pink undershirt is a size 12 months and one she plucked from a giveaway pile. So resourceful!

She’s still jumping. A lot.

And still a quiet contemplative sometimes, fascinated by the big kids.

I always wonder what she’s thinking.

I see Thumbelina growing up and changing quite a bit these days. Her language is developing, and so is her sense of self. We’ve had a symbiotic relationship for so long. It is bittersweet to observe her assertive personality unfold, with distinct preferences that aren’t dependent upon my own, nor selected with my guidance. I feel joyful that she’s recognizing herself as an authentic being, capable of choosing her individual path, day by day - but a little sad that her babyhood continues to shorten as time passes. Gratitude is inspired by moments such as this:

A reminder that she’s still my little one. Attached as ever to her dearest comfort.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed that all of this bravery invested in “testing the waters of childhood” has brought about more frequent episodes of “Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

(Yes, I have a slide in my living room.)

This particular picture isn’t actually what I would consider a real cry - she’s trying, though, to sum up a few tears. She’s sad that I said we couldn’t go outside naked. Yes, I explained that I’m okay with HER strutting around the deck wearing nothing but her indispensable fuschia shoes - but she was distraught that Mama wouldn’t take her clothes off, too, and join in the outdoor nude frolicking. The tragedy. (When I used to imagine parenting, I had no idea that validating my child would involve repeating things like, “You want Mama to be naked. You want us to play naked outside. You want us to take off our clothes and dance outside to the Barney soundtrack.”)

Usually, on days with little sleep - the drama doesn’t stop, but persists. I won’t bore anyone with reliving the relentless and creative demands of a sleepy, nap-striking and pouty two-year-old, but…

On days such as this, it is a saving grace that Daddy will at some point in time walk through the door.

And they will play. And she will smile again.

And he will smile goofy, cheesy grins at me until I finally crack one back.

And they will talk, and I will listen, and my heart will soften. She is still finding her way.

gratitude

Today, I find myself feeling very grateful for the mothers in my life. Especially the ones who raise their children next to mine - those who share with me their reasoning and commiseration and delight. The mamas who surround me in solidarity and support, who challenge me to learn more, strive harder and be better. I will never know the extent to which the sisterhood of mothering has influenced my ability to nurture Thumbelina as she grows up and into the world. But, I am thankful for having found the path I’ve chosen, and know I would not be here without the mamas who were willing to share with me their wisdom - and who continue to inspire by example. Sometimes, the strength to carry on is found in the mere knowledge that countless women across time and space have shared in my struggles and joy. I am thankful.

I came across this quote in a book I’m reading about unconditional parenting:

“Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you; only to discover you. You cannot disappoint me.”

It’s taken from a love letter between Mary Haskell and the poet, Khalil Gibran. I hope that one day, when Thumbelina reflects upon her childhood, she feels as embraced and cherished for her authenticity as this quote emboldens. And hopefully - thankfully - the mothers I am blessed to know will encourage me in loving without limitation the gift I’ve been given in my dearest Thumbelina.

(Thanks for making me a mama, little one.)

colorful concoctions

The other night, I made Thumbelina and myself a blended smoothie in hopes of kicking this cold that we (STILL!) have at the moment. I needed to carry another load of laundry down to the basement, so after reminding her I would be right back (she repeated “riiiiiiiiiiiight back!” to me), I zipped downstairs.

Only to return and see this guilty face waiting for me:

Yes, those are blueberries around her sweet little rosebud mouth. Here is her…creation:

Hmm.

I’m in the midst of reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. I took a deep breath and first… tried not to laugh. (Lately I find myself giggling helplessly at most of her antics, and she now thinks everything is a joke - like it’s really funny to scale the outer stair railing and precariously circle the living room while balancing her tippy-toes on two inches of trim, five feet from the ground.) I squashed my desire to inquire “why” she felt inclined to put the crayons in her freshly-made drink. Instead, I just commented.

“You put crayons in your smoothie!”

Her eyes lit up and she clapped. I finally just laughed.

an unwelcome overnight guest

Gosh, what a crazy week. We saw many of our favorite little friends, which (understandably) means we now have a germy, coughy-cold underway. However, a small illness quickly became the least of our concerns…

A tornado warning was in effect for most of yesterday evening, but didn’t turn into a watch for quite some time. The sirens began going off while I was doing the grocery shopping. A store manager came onto the PA system and advised everyone to make their way to the back of the store and take cover in the coolers (haha). Yeah, no thanks. I paid for my items and then ran out in the torrential rain, looking every which way (as if I could spot a funnel cloud in the distance and avoid it successfully). The sirens continued during my drive home and eventually stopped once I got inside and turned on the news. It seemed that the bulk of concern was significantly south of us, so I didn’t worry too much about the rest of our night. We ate a peaceful dinner together.

I went to bed fairly late, around 1am, and climbed under the covers to cuddle Thumbelina. About an hour later, I awoke to both of us being tossed into the air and landing haphazardly on the bed. The entire house shook desperately, and I cried out for Topher - who was standing beside the window, trying to watch the storm and see if a tornado was in fact heading our way. I remember running downstairs to the basement, with Thumbelina in my arms, and feeling like the storm was furiously chasing us.  I set Thumbelina down on the floor and then dashed back upstairs with Topher to grab important items. (Medicine, wallets, keys, cell phones and a file box of important documents.) We could hear parts of our roof audibly ripping - I worried the top of our home would snap off and spin away into the night.

So, we prayed. Topher rummaged around and found a lantern of sorts to help us see. We used our cell phones as flashlights to find our way in the dark, since we felt totally unprepared for the situation and the power was out. Oddly, Thumbelina slept through the entire drama and only seemed upset that we couldn’t nurse to her little heart’s content (until I settled us into a corner of the basement). Brr. It was cold! And really confusing, because we couldn’t decide what might happen next and if we should stay awake or not. We eventually tried to sleep when the sounds died down, but the stillness was also eerily frightening. I didn’t want to tell Topher that sometimes funnel clouds come in groups - he grew up in Philly and doesn’t know these things! I did not enjoy wondering what was happening outside without any interpretation from a weatherman or two.

We woke up to roof damage and swingsets piled in our backyard. Our next door neighbor’s chimney is dangling, and several people on our street have their air conditioning units twisted upside down. We feel very blessed that the damage was so minimal in comparison to what could have happened, because merely three blocks over is where the worst damage occurred - homes are literally leveled. Piles of wood.

Topher’s friend came over to help him check out the roof damage, since our insurance company is swamped and not very helpful (as of yet) in offering guidance about what we should do. However, I was under the impression that Topher’s friend - the former professional roofer - would be climbing up on top of the house, NOT Topher. So I flipped out slightly upon realizing that my dear husband planned on climbing a ladder and walking around our potentially unstable roof in the midst of gusty winds. Thankfully, he is fine. I was not happy about his decision to go up there, roof damage or not.

Tomorrow I am putting together an emergency kit. I don’t want to ever feel panicked again about realizing the few simple items we need to be comfortable and safe are scattered around the house. Not fun!

discovering dandelions

Sometimes, when life seems too complicated - a little time spent with Thumbelina unravels the simplicity.

Dandelions need to be discovered.

And after we’ve picked fistfuls of weeds and marveled at their beauty, the best thing to do is run. Just because we can.

I should follow her lead more often.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Gosh, when I get out of a habit I really… get out of a habit. Like, updating this blog.

Speaking of habits, we are in the midst of a major change around here. Thumbelina and I saw a naturopath last week. It appears that Thumbelina has some major food sensitivities, and he suspects I do as well - so, we’re cutting out meat and dairy (”for the time being,” I keep adding - mostly to just make myself feel better) and going vegan. Eventually we’ll have a blood test done to see exactly what we need to avoid, but the dairy itself I think is a huge component. And… not so fun to give up.

We joined Costco in our quest for bulk (mostly organic) produce, and walking past the gigantic chocolate layer cakes was slightly akin to torture - but, I persevered and we came home with a healthy trunk of fiber. Woo. So far, it’s going well but it’s definitely not easy. We cleaned out our entire pantry and freezer, giving away anything that had dairy within it, since I was worried I might give in if Thumbelina saw something she wanted but couldn’t have. Topher is probably struggling the most, since he’s halfheartedly trying to support my vegan efforts, but… he misses milk and cheese.

Beans are a new world to me. We’ve dumped canned beans on salads in the past, and included them in Mexican food, but… I’ve never actually soaked beans. And now I’m attempting to sprout some and use them generously in our meal times (to varying degrees of success). I realize it’s a process, but I wish we were already comfortable and happy to be eating this way. However, it’s really opened the door to lots of reflection about how food is so easy to misuse - it becomes far too important, much too easily (for me, at least). Food is merely fuel and it only makes sense that we should eat the most nutrient-dense food available to us. (Yes, I’m paraphrasing the Eat to Live book.) I think it will feel more comfortable once the dairy withdrawals have passed. Thumbelina asked for cheese and yogurt and milk and toast (with butter) all.day.long. Poor thing. But I’m already noticing an improvement with her skin sensitivities, so that is helping inspire me to keep going.

In the midst of drinking oat milk and eating trees (as Thumbelina calls her fresh spinach), we’ve gotten out and about quite a bit lately, since Spring has seemingly arrived for good. It’s been alternately sunny and cloudy, with lots of rain on the forecast.

Here’s a snap from yesterday, at the park, on a very windy day:

As for Thumbelina, her cuteness continues to grow exponentially by the day. Normally, Topher is responsible for bedtime after I nurse and hand her off - so I’m not usually around for her bedtime prayers. But, this evening was a little different and I got to hear their typical conversation with God. Topher explained later that they thank God for things that are important to her - and on the list are things like milkshakes and her jungle gym. Barney, Baby Bop, BJ and Riff. Music. Crayons (cullies). Outside. The park. Tickles. Apples. MeeMee & Daddy. He prays in simple phrases, followed by an amen, so it’s very easy for her to participate. She loves it! And she melts me.

she’s growing up

We survived the wedding weekend. Emily is officially married and cruising up the east coast with Ben, enjoying their honeymoon for the next two weeks. Yay!

We came home on Sunday and crashed for five hours. Slept through the entire afternoon, which also happened to be (shh!) Thumbelina’s birthday. I feel horrible that we barely even celebrated, although Topher can’t quite muster the same amount of parental guilt and keeps shrugging whenever I bring it up, saying, “but she has no concept of what a birthday actually is.” Like that makes it any better! Friday has been officially designated as Birthday Do-Over Day. I’ve been stalking eBay, trying to find a fast-ship Barney cake pan since the original one I bid on and won is “unavailable for shipment.” Grrr. The seller sent me an email saying she “couldn’t find it.” Nice.

I can’t believe my baby is two years old. I feel a little sad about her growing up, but excited about the years ahead. I often think back to my first glimpse of her, just as she was pulled from my incision and held high above my body. The tufts of gleaming ringlets, wet from the amniotic fluid, made me smile and wonder if she might resemble her papa - since his sister has very dark curls. When I eventually saw her face and spoke her name, the peering dark blue eyes turned to me with instant recognition and curiosity. The sense of belonging to one another was immediate and intense. She was so new and yet so familiar.

Topher was immediately mesmerized.

This was our first week home. We bought preemie diapers and they totally engulfed her.

Here we are at about one month old. She was just beginning to sport the old man ‘do - losing her hair on top of the head.

I get sad thinking about how there will never be another Thumbelina. It’s such an obvious statement, but when people talk about baby lust, they usually refer to having a new one. I don’t necessarily feel it for another baby (yet). I feel baby lust for Thumbelina. I wish sometimes that we could go back in time and savor those new moments, some of which were stolen from us with the drama of our birth and recovery experience. I want to go back in time and re-experience all the quirks which make her so unique. I may not have another baby who squishes her lips together in puckered concentration, or insists on being carried like Super-Girl, suspended precariously over my shoulder to maximize her ability to see the world around her. I wonder if my next baby will love nursing as much as Thumbelina and her milk addiction. Even now, as I enjoy her toddlerhood and laugh at her antics, I wonder if my next baby will insist we sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…” (shout “HOORAY!” is her favorite one right now) over and over and over and over again.

I am probably just too sentimental for my own good. Topher is always looking ahead and mentioning things we have to look forward to with Thumbelina - intelligible conversations! Soccer games! Sleeping in her own bed! Trick or treating! Roller-coaster rides! The list goes on and on, and I realize there are many fun times ahead, but I will always miss her baby days.

Here is the very first video we ever took of Thumbelina, when both of us were giddy to discover that our crappy little camera could actually record extremely low resolution video. I can’t stop giggling, Topher keeps talking in a falsetto and Thumbelina just laughs and laughs and laughs. So, enjoy. I hope she is always this happy.