destruction

The streets around us.

the way of change

“One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade.” — Chinese Proverb

Yes, yes, yes.

livin’ the dream

The romantic exploits of my single friends rarely fail to intrigue me. My friend Aislinn is in love with a man she’s only met twice in the span of four years. They met on an overseas business trip and at the time, were each living on opposite coasts. She was involved with someone else, and then he was unavailable after that relationship ended for her. In the meantime, they spent hours talking - nearly every day - and developing an unexpected emotional intimacy over the phone. They met up for the second and last time almost two years ago, taking an extended weekend with each other and attempting to determine if anything real existed between them. They had a fabulous time, but dating long distance didn’t work. Before they got to see each other again, fights and jealousy came between them and they stopped talking for nearly a year. Time passed and he found her on myspace (ha…) at the beginning of 2007 - but she had forgotten her password and didn’t log-in and read it until nearly a year later. So NOW, they’re talking again. And as it turns out, he has a job offer and might be moving to her city. So they’re excitedly spending hours on the phone and planning a reunion for Valentine’s Day weekend…

Of course, I’m already convinced that a happy ending is inevitably on it’s way, but who wouldn’t be?

It’s satisfying to watch my friends find love. Some are wistful about family life and seem to wish so much for the blessings of a happy marriage and healthy children. They seek love in plenty of hope for what the future might bring, and when I accompany my friends on the outer rim of their own individual journey with love, I’m reminded to count my blessings.

I realized today, when I was nursing a very sick, overtired toddler (with a snotty nose and congested cough) that I was, in fact, livin’ the dream. It made me happy, even in the midst of Thumbelina’s executive decision to refuse a much-needed nap.

Ahhh, I love moments of grateful contentment.

Random Thoughts

I feel oddly preoccupied with the death of Heath Ledger. It reminds me of when I mourned as a teenager over River Phoenix, Kurt Cobain and Jonathan Brandis. Brad Renfro passed away only last week… it all just seems so tragic. I realize that people die every day, and plenty of children grow up without their daddies, but those statistics aren’t very tangible to me (thank goodness). I’m a little freaked out by how many celebrity gossip sites are predicting a trifecta and taking odds on Britney Spears being next - I even watched video footage with paparazzi asking her when she’s going to kill herself. The AP came out last week and announced they have her obituary ‘ready to go’ for when she passes. Since most celebrity obituaries are already prepared, why would they specifically make a statement about her? Are they wishing for it to happen?

Death is an uncomfortable topic for me. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately in terms of how fleeting our lives are in the grand scheme of things. I alternate between anxiety about the actual moment - wondering if I’ll instinctively ‘know’ before it happens - or being worried about the afterlife and the condition of my soul. But I worry most about leaving Thumbelina without a mommy. She is such a sensitive, innocent little one, so secure and confident in knowing how much she is loved. I hate even thinking about what the loss of a parent does to a child, and I don’t want that for my Thumbelina. To this day, we still don’t have a guardianship in place because there simply isn’t anyone to leave her with to raise. I think after my friend gets married this summer, she will be our first choice. But I shudder to think of my family or Topher’s family sinking their claws into her. I pray every day that Topher and I will be here to raise our children to adulthood.

Okay, enough with the morbid thoughts.

In very exciting news, I came across purple-tastic Barney dinosaur slippers on sale at Target yesterday. We bought two pairs, since they were only $1.98 and what if Thumbelina’s feet grow fast enough that she doesn’t have time to lose interest in him before the slippers no longer fit? Yes, I think about these deep questions. They’ve been adorning both her hands and feet. We also picked up a stuffed Barney and Baby-Bop last week. Thumbelina never lets them out of her sight and she even brushes Barney’s teeth at night. (I guess Baby-Bop will have to face cavities at some point.)

Before we left for our first Kindermusik class yesterday, Thumbelina decided to learn her first phrase - “See it?” Except she pronounces it like, “Shi-it? Shi-it?” So after we arrived, she was pointing at various objects and asking me if I could see them. “Shi-it? Sh-it?” Which prompted one mom to give me the raised eyebrow.

We moved the toddler bed into our room, with grand plans of future restful nights. So far the only one getting any extra sleep is Thumbelina’s Sleepy Snoozle. She tucks her baby into bed, signs night-night, tells Topher and I she’s tired… and then flips out if we suggest she climb into bed with her Snoozle. Instead, she and Daddy climb into the big bed and sing Barney songs until she falls asleep. And when I come to bed, the all-night nurse-a-thon begins. Woo. It is totally wearing me out and I feel ultra exhausted. But for now, I’m trying to treasure our time together and realize that she will never be this small again. She is almost two and someday soon enough will wean. Even now, when I’ve pawned her off on Daddy and she falls asleep on his tummy or at his side, I often wake up feeling like something is amiss and I can’t rest until she’s tucked into the crook of my arm again. (But I’m still certain I can survive just fine if and when she ever takes a liking to her toddler bed…)

I have about 15 ripe bananas to do something with this afternoon. Too bad I haven’t been able to find my amazing healthy banana muffin recipe since we left. I’m off to go search recipes and maybe will send something with Topher to the office tomorrow. Either that, or freeze about five loaves of banana bread - gah!

A friend of mine found out she’s pregnant with her first little girl - after having four boys in five years!

Thumbelina has been calling me “Happy” lately, which sounds like my first name. I’d prefer “Mama” but I suppose Happy will do.

And now… I get to go convince a toddler it’s naptime, do some exercise, figure out dinner, fold some laundry and vacuum the downstairs. Woo!

my sequel

I only have two pictures from my childhood. They aren’t real pictures - they’re just photocopied on plain paper. I found them a few years ago and scanned them in, wanting to preserve them as a memory for myself. The paper copies are long gone. I’d forgotten all about these pictures until today when I came across an old disk of various files.

This is me, a little older then Thumbelina is right now:

And here is me with my mother at 11.5 months, on my first Christmas:

Now that I can see the obvious similarities between myself and Thumbelina, I wish I had more baby pictures to look at and compare. I can think of several that look just like her, and I wish I had them. But even still, I’m happy to have two. My own parents looked very different from each other, and as such, all of my siblings and I are various combinations of them and look nothing like each other. I fully expected Thumbelina to be a mishmash of Topher and I - who also look nothing alike - so in some odd way, I’m fascinated that she has so many of my features.

One of the first things Topher said to me after the birth of Thumbelina, when we were finally given a chance to admire her together for the first time, was - “Hey, sweetie, say hello to your sequel!”

whispers

Thumbelina has started whispering. She does it for several reasons, but mostly when she wants something and the unfortunate answer is not what she was hoping it might be. So, to be on the safe side, she repeats her request in a whispered tone just to make sure I’m not actually saying ‘yes.’ If we just came inside from playing and she’s displeased with muddy shoes being relegated to the garage, she’ll first command me with, “SHOE! SHOE! SHOE!” And when I say, “Let’s go find your slippers. Your shoes are dirty,” she growls. But then she’ll tug at my hand, smile brightly and whisper in a hopeful voice, “…Shoe? Shoe?” As if to say, “Please, Mommy, I won’t yell at you if I can just track my dirty shoes all over the clean carpet.”

The other day, she threw a fit over my wallet being off-limits (once I found its contents floating in a jug of ice water), ran to her bedroom in despair, then came out with her index finger to her mouth and whispering, “Shhh. Shhh. Car-uh? Car-uh? Shhh.” Which is her version of, “I’ll stop screaming if you PUHLEASE let me play with your credit cards and hide them wherever I choose.” (Fortunately we found an old wallet of Daddy’s and filled it with half-used giftcards, which ironically have stayed nice and neatly arranged in her little purse. I guess only my belongings are worth losing or potentially destroying!)

The whispering is actually making me super excited because it seems like it coincides with a jump in her language and I see how hard she’s trying to communicate.

We went shopping today, after going for a bit of a drive because I just needed to zone for a bit. Everything we touched, she whispered her awe. “Shhhhhhhhhhirrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttuh!” We hit Borders and bought a few bargain books, each of which were also treated with the astonished murmurings of her admiration. “Boooooooooooooooookkuhhhhh! Wowwwwwwwwwwuh!” We went to lunch together, by ourselves, which was a new experience for us. We go out to dinner frequently with Daddy in tow, but this was the first time we sat in a bagel shop for lunch with just the two of us. “Ohhhhhhhh! Strawwwwwwwwwwwwuh!” (She stood in the booth and sipped her orange juice for probably a good fifteen minutes before touching anything else.)

We are both missing Topher today. I’m ready to move on from the holidays, but I miss him being home. Thumbelina asked for him all day yesterday, which is part of the reason I wanted to escape the house today. Most of our regular activities don’t start up again for another week or two, so while it’s nice to have time in which to do whatever we want - I wish Topher was here to share it with us! Which reminds me, he is something else she whispers about - “Dah-ee? Dah-ee?”

a new blog

Unfortunately, the limitations of the previous site were a big headache and prevented me from blogging very frequently do to the inconvenience. Sooo… I’m hoping this goes better and is more fun for me!