zonked

It is after 2am and I’m awake, wide awake actually, and sitting here blogging while Thumbelina wails the night away. We haven’t slept well in days. She has somehow contracted the upper respiratory… something or another… from hell, which she unfortunately has shared with me and it is now settling into my chest for a bitter week or two worth of coughing. Topher is also awake, poor guy, and attempting to cuddle her to sleep since I’ve worn out my welcome. The last few evenings have been spent in the hot shower, taking advantage of the steam and letting it inspire her nose to get rid of the gunk. She is so miserable and I wish I could make her feel better.

Why are we sick? I can’t figure that one out, since we’re eating so healthfully. Is it part of detox? We’ve been without animal products and caffeine for awhile now. We hardly eat any sugar, and it’s never the processed sweets from grocery stores - just occasionally in recipes or if I run out of agave nectar. I do know that I dragged her into every thrift store in a 20 mile radius last week, culling various treasures while she played with dirty plastic toys in the kid section. (Ew.) No matter how decrepit the used toy, she loves it. I wonder if she got some germy goodness from one of those adventures.

Despite the sick yukkies, today wasn’t all bad. We found out that Thumbelina is next on the list for speech services! Topher and I are THRILLED that she can take advantage of this opportunity - TWICE a week. We’re going to have to juggle some of our other activities to schedule everything, but her speech development is a big priority and I can’t wait for the intelligibility to be addressed. Not just for Topher and I to be able to understand her, but for Thumbelina to know with certainty that she’s being understood. I was thinking the other day about how frustrated I would be if I had to endure YEARS of people not understanding my earnest efforts to communicate! I’m so excited for my Thumbelina - we’ve been praying for this blessing to happen, as all the private services we researched were much too expensive. (We were quoted $300 a week by one therapist.)

I have more random things to share, but that will have to wait until later, since I hear…. nothing, and that means Thumbelina has finally fallen asleep. Hopefully my cough will let me do the same. I neeeeeeeed some sleeeeeeeeep.

oh my little one…

Thumbelina is in the habit of dressing herself as of late, and favoring the layered look - despite the heat. Notice this ensemble which brings to mind a certain dessert of the rainbow sherbet variety…

She’s a very modest young lady and therefore wearing a pair of coordinating orange shorts beneath the dress. The pink undershirt is a size 12 months and one she plucked from a giveaway pile. So resourceful!

She’s still jumping. A lot.

And still a quiet contemplative sometimes, fascinated by the big kids.

I always wonder what she’s thinking.

I see Thumbelina growing up and changing quite a bit these days. Her language is developing, and so is her sense of self. We’ve had a symbiotic relationship for so long. It is bittersweet to observe her assertive personality unfold, with distinct preferences that aren’t dependent upon my own, nor selected with my guidance. I feel joyful that she’s recognizing herself as an authentic being, capable of choosing her individual path, day by day - but a little sad that her babyhood continues to shorten as time passes. Gratitude is inspired by moments such as this:

A reminder that she’s still my little one. Attached as ever to her dearest comfort.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed that all of this bravery invested in “testing the waters of childhood” has brought about more frequent episodes of “Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

(Yes, I have a slide in my living room.)

This particular picture isn’t actually what I would consider a real cry - she’s trying, though, to sum up a few tears. She’s sad that I said we couldn’t go outside naked. Yes, I explained that I’m okay with HER strutting around the deck wearing nothing but her indispensable fuschia shoes - but she was distraught that Mama wouldn’t take her clothes off, too, and join in the outdoor nude frolicking. The tragedy. (When I used to imagine parenting, I had no idea that validating my child would involve repeating things like, “You want Mama to be naked. You want us to play naked outside. You want us to take off our clothes and dance outside to the Barney soundtrack.”)

Usually, on days with little sleep - the drama doesn’t stop, but persists. I won’t bore anyone with reliving the relentless and creative demands of a sleepy, nap-striking and pouty two-year-old, but…

On days such as this, it is a saving grace that Daddy will at some point in time walk through the door.

And they will play. And she will smile again.

And he will smile goofy, cheesy grins at me until I finally crack one back.

And they will talk, and I will listen, and my heart will soften. She is still finding her way.

gratitude

Today, I find myself feeling very grateful for the mothers in my life. Especially the ones who raise their children next to mine - those who share with me their reasoning and commiseration and delight. The mamas who surround me in solidarity and support, who challenge me to learn more, strive harder and be better. I will never know the extent to which the sisterhood of mothering has influenced my ability to nurture Thumbelina as she grows up and into the world. But, I am thankful for having found the path I’ve chosen, and know I would not be here without the mamas who were willing to share with me their wisdom - and who continue to inspire by example. Sometimes, the strength to carry on is found in the mere knowledge that countless women across time and space have shared in my struggles and joy. I am thankful.

I came across this quote in a book I’m reading about unconditional parenting:

“Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you; only to discover you. You cannot disappoint me.”

It’s taken from a love letter between Mary Haskell and the poet, Khalil Gibran. I hope that one day, when Thumbelina reflects upon her childhood, she feels as embraced and cherished for her authenticity as this quote emboldens. And hopefully - thankfully - the mothers I am blessed to know will encourage me in loving without limitation the gift I’ve been given in my dearest Thumbelina.

(Thanks for making me a mama, little one.)

prepare to be blinded by cuteness!

A very thoughtful friend created a gorgeous canvas of Thumbelina, using the picture I posted recently with her smoothie adventures. We were supposed to get together today so I could see it, but my poor lovebucket is having a hard time getting well again. So, Shawn posted her masterpiece on her own blog and I literally can’t stop gazing at it! It is beyond beautiful!!! Take a look!!! She is a scrappin’ goddess.

veggie tales

I’ve had several people ask me how the vegan thing is going, so I thought I’d update. The most common question I keep getting is, “But what are you actually eating?” Ha.

It’s hard, people, it’s hard! But not as hard as I thought it would be. It’s been a much smoother transition than I anticipated. We aren’t being very creative with dinner ideas right now, but I don’t tend to get very bored with the same meals anyway, so it might be awhile until we branch out further. (Although Dani is about to mail me some of her favorite vegan recipes, so we shall see… I think Topher would like me to kick things up a bit.)

Costco is rocking my world. I’m able to buy veggie patties that are made out of actual vegetables (instead of only soy), dried tart cherries and goji berries without any sulpher additives, huge amounts of organic spinach, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, avocadoes, peppers, apples, bananas, wild blueberries, strawberries, kiwi… are you tired of reading my grocery list yet? But it’s nice to buy bulk instead of running to the grocery store 2-3 times a week and stocking up on produce, hoping the price is reasonable. They also have organic nut butters, organic fruit spreads, organic alternative milks, hummus, etc. I’ve been surprised at how easy it is to find things we can actually eat and enjoy.

I make smoothies at least once a day, and tend to put kale and carrots or cucumbers into whatever frozen fruit we have on hand. (Whole Foods has frozen acai on sale this week, blender-ready, both sweetened and unsweetened - healthy!) We usually eat whole-grain oatmeal for breakfast, with applesauce or cut-up fruit and raisins. Lunch is nut butter and jam, or hummus and veggies on a pita, usually with a smoothie. Dinners have been bean and lentil soups, spinach salads, veggie patties, homemade cheese-less pizza with tomato sauce and veggie toppings, bean and veggie burritos… very exciting, yes, I know. Eating out has lost any appeal (outside of not having to make it myself), mostly because menu choices are so limited. Which is probably a healthy thing!

We snack on items like sunflower seeds, dried fruit and baked goods that we’ve homemade, like vegan banana bread or blueberry muffins. Oh, and shhh… chips & salsa, too. (Dr. Fuhrman isn’t a fan of additional salt in the diet, although we get unsalted tortilla chips from WF.) Thumbelina still recognizes the milk in the fridge (which belongs solely to Daddy) and asks me about it every once in awhile. I just tell her we don’t use milk on our cereal anymore, and she accepts that. She hasn’t asked for cereal or yogurt in awhile. Although cheese is still a hopeful request.

I spoke with the naturopath and he clarified that his test will screen 96 different food allergies, so I think we’ll go ahead and move forward with it. Her sensitivities are still a mystery to me and I notice that they continue to flare - so I’m wondering if wheat is a culprit. I hope not! However, I’ve read that it takes up to three weeks to see if eliminating dairy is truly significant, and we’ve only been attempting for a couple weeks. She has not had any dairy whatsoever, except that she ate a Luna bar with me - which I’d read on a dairy-free site was supposed to be dairy-free, but later realized this to not be true. Getting rid of cross-contamination is now our biggest challenge, because everything seems to be put through facilities that also handle dairy. So, I’m a little frustrated we now need to wait another three weeks to see if this is really making an impact or not, due to our Luna bar snack on the go. However, I really think that even if her allergen test shows that she isn’t allergic to dairy, we’ll probably stay off of it for the time being. I feel better not consuming it, even being sick! And I think she does, too.

So, in case anyone is wondering - no, we’re not starving as vegans (yet, anyway). I feel blessed that we’ve reached a comfortable framework for our nutritional desires and that we have the means in which to buy the food we selectively choose. It’s an easy gift to take for granted. I think back to my childhood of steak & potatoes and mac & cheese, realizing that my parents believed every meal should be hardy - and hope that Thumbelina will know that we did our best in trying to feed her as wholesomely as possible. She may roll her eyes at some of our granola habits, but hopefully she’ll recognize the love behind our veggie meals!

colorful concoctions

The other night, I made Thumbelina and myself a blended smoothie in hopes of kicking this cold that we (STILL!) have at the moment. I needed to carry another load of laundry down to the basement, so after reminding her I would be right back (she repeated “riiiiiiiiiiiight back!” to me), I zipped downstairs.

Only to return and see this guilty face waiting for me:

Yes, those are blueberries around her sweet little rosebud mouth. Here is her…creation:

Hmm.

I’m in the midst of reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. I took a deep breath and first… tried not to laugh. (Lately I find myself giggling helplessly at most of her antics, and she now thinks everything is a joke - like it’s really funny to scale the outer stair railing and precariously circle the living room while balancing her tippy-toes on two inches of trim, five feet from the ground.) I squashed my desire to inquire “why” she felt inclined to put the crayons in her freshly-made drink. Instead, I just commented.

“You put crayons in your smoothie!”

Her eyes lit up and she clapped. I finally just laughed.

destruction

The streets around us.

an unwelcome overnight guest

Gosh, what a crazy week. We saw many of our favorite little friends, which (understandably) means we now have a germy, coughy-cold underway. However, a small illness quickly became the least of our concerns…

A tornado warning was in effect for most of yesterday evening, but didn’t turn into a watch for quite some time. The sirens began going off while I was doing the grocery shopping. A store manager came onto the PA system and advised everyone to make their way to the back of the store and take cover in the coolers (haha). Yeah, no thanks. I paid for my items and then ran out in the torrential rain, looking every which way (as if I could spot a funnel cloud in the distance and avoid it successfully). The sirens continued during my drive home and eventually stopped once I got inside and turned on the news. It seemed that the bulk of concern was significantly south of us, so I didn’t worry too much about the rest of our night. We ate a peaceful dinner together.

I went to bed fairly late, around 1am, and climbed under the covers to cuddle Thumbelina. About an hour later, I awoke to both of us being tossed into the air and landing haphazardly on the bed. The entire house shook desperately, and I cried out for Topher - who was standing beside the window, trying to watch the storm and see if a tornado was in fact heading our way. I remember running downstairs to the basement, with Thumbelina in my arms, and feeling like the storm was furiously chasing us.  I set Thumbelina down on the floor and then dashed back upstairs with Topher to grab important items. (Medicine, wallets, keys, cell phones and a file box of important documents.) We could hear parts of our roof audibly ripping - I worried the top of our home would snap off and spin away into the night.

So, we prayed. Topher rummaged around and found a lantern of sorts to help us see. We used our cell phones as flashlights to find our way in the dark, since we felt totally unprepared for the situation and the power was out. Oddly, Thumbelina slept through the entire drama and only seemed upset that we couldn’t nurse to her little heart’s content (until I settled us into a corner of the basement). Brr. It was cold! And really confusing, because we couldn’t decide what might happen next and if we should stay awake or not. We eventually tried to sleep when the sounds died down, but the stillness was also eerily frightening. I didn’t want to tell Topher that sometimes funnel clouds come in groups - he grew up in Philly and doesn’t know these things! I did not enjoy wondering what was happening outside without any interpretation from a weatherman or two.

We woke up to roof damage and swingsets piled in our backyard. Our next door neighbor’s chimney is dangling, and several people on our street have their air conditioning units twisted upside down. We feel very blessed that the damage was so minimal in comparison to what could have happened, because merely three blocks over is where the worst damage occurred - homes are literally leveled. Piles of wood.

Topher’s friend came over to help him check out the roof damage, since our insurance company is swamped and not very helpful (as of yet) in offering guidance about what we should do. However, I was under the impression that Topher’s friend - the former professional roofer - would be climbing up on top of the house, NOT Topher. So I flipped out slightly upon realizing that my dear husband planned on climbing a ladder and walking around our potentially unstable roof in the midst of gusty winds. Thankfully, he is fine. I was not happy about his decision to go up there, roof damage or not.

Tomorrow I am putting together an emergency kit. I don’t want to ever feel panicked again about realizing the few simple items we need to be comfortable and safe are scattered around the house. Not fun!